I'm not good at being transparent. I don't like laying out the cards of my emotions. It's not that I don't allow myself to be sad. Be sure that I have experienced more than a world of sadness, especially in the last 6 months, but God has really been convicting me to not hold tightly to the strings of my emotions.
Ever since Hartley passed away, I have felt so many nudges from God to be ok with my grief. More than that, to embrace the tears that flow, no matter when or where or with whomever is around. Now, can I say with confidence that I have done that? No. I haven't. I've pretty much stunk at it altogether. It is so uncomfortable to me, I don't like to "go there", I don't want to burden other people with my sadness... Oh the list could go on. But the funny thing is, that gentle nudge from God comes back each time one of those conversations come up that could "take me to that place of deep and utter grief" arises. I think God really wants me to change. Ha... Really.
He's not giving up on me. And you know what... I'm not giving up on me. I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that I need to change. I know that I need to be transparent. I know that I need to grieve openly. I know that no one will judge me or think less of me or avoid me because of my grief. And I really want to change. I want much to be made of Hartley's little life. I want God to use it for good. I want God to change me for the better. I don't want her life to be in vain. I want to be a better mommy for her brother and any future siblings they will have. I want to KNOW that when my life is over, God used my precious baby girl to refine me, and I want them both to be proud.
Here's my issue... I don't know how to change. I don't know how to avoid feeling awkward when people ask me questions about how I'm doing because deep down I'm really sad but I really don't want to be real. It's not that I'm being fake, lying to people, but I'm giving very circumstantial answers. When I say, "I'm fine", I am... I'm just telling you how I am at that instance, not how I am when I'm alone and my mind wanders to her, or when I see someone who is pregnant, or when I see a sweet baby who is about the age Hartley would be right now, or when I think about how things "should have been" or when I think about how things aren't how I planned them to be or...or...or... (the list could go on forever...).
But ya know what, there are some things that I do know. I can change. I believe I will change. And I know that there is only one way to change... through the healing power of God. He is and will be my compass, my guide. His living Word and His gentle nudges will lead me. I need only to... A: surrender (daily, hourly, moment-by-moment sometimes), and B: look for Him. I wish I could say that one of those is going easier than the other, but unfortunately, it won't be. God wants to deepen my faith and trust in Him. So I'm going to have to lengthen my time and frequency with Him. How can I expect to change if I don't make myself available to allow the transformation to take place?
Will you journey with me on this (whoever is reading this, whether I know you or not)? Will you look into your own life and see if God is asking this of you? Will you pray for me as I seek guidance from God? I am praying that whoever is reading this would experience a gentle nudge from our Savior today. Whatever He is wanting to transform in your life, make yourself available to Him and surrender your desires to Christ, that His desire would be your own.
Change is tough. I've traveled further on the road of "change" than I ever cared to, but I know when my fork in the road comes, I'll know better which path He has next because of the change He has brought in my life.
"Bear one anothers burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." Galations 6:2