Chaos

Change has been the name of the game the last few months. We thought we would have 2, but we only have 1 (here, on Earth, ya know). We thought the next chapter of our life would be adjusting to the reality of more sleepless nights with a little one and instead we deal with sleepless nights as we grieve, question and wonder what the next steps in our life will look like. With all the change comes a lot of questions. I hate a lot of the questions. Maybe even all of them. I don't hate that I ask questions of myself or that others ask me, but I hate that I don't know the answer. And maybe I do know the answer to some of them but I don't know HOW to answer. This is not to say that I don't want you to ask me these questions, but just know that these questions are hard. They suck (sorry, there is no pretty, nice, P.C., ladylike way around this one). And I may struggle to answer. Here is a taste of the chaos that I experience with all the questions:

 -"When do we want to have another baby?"... I already have another baby, but she isn't here with me. I want her back. I want another baby right now because sometimes my arms just crave so deeply the warmth and closeness of a sweet baby. My arms are so empty without Hartley. I don't know when we should have another baby because I don't want to replace Hartley. No baby could replace Hartley. Do I need to have some sort of emotional milestone before I have another baby to know that I'll be ok? Will I ever be ok?
 -"How many kids do you have?"... I have 3, but God kept 2 of them. I have one baby. I don't know you well enough to dump all of my emotional burdens on you, so I'll just say 1 to make things easy. I don't want to answer, I don't want to talk about it so I'll just say 1. I'll just ignore that question because I don't want to answer the easy way and just say 1 baby. Do you have any idea what kind of question that is? I feel so stupid for asking other people that question not knowing the heartache they may have experienced like me. I hate this question. And yet, maybe I should be real and answer 3, knowing that God may have ordained this conversation...
 -"How are you doing?"... I'm doing ok. I've been better. How do you think I'm doing? I buried my daughter, I have lost almost all traces of pregnancy. Sometimes I forget that I was pregnant because I don't look like it anymore, never mind the fact that I don't look like I did when I was 21. I wish I could pretend like this didn't happen so you don't have to ask me how I am doing. I feel like you are asking me how I am doing because you want to know that I am doing well because you don't want me to hurt. I'm ok with hurting. I'm ok with being sad. That's kind of a new normal for me. I wish you were ok with me being sad because that is my reality right now. And if I'm doing ok at the moment, don't judge me for having "moved on" because I haven't, I won't and I can't. I don't live in a place of sadness, it's just somewhere I "visit" often, kind of like the grocery store or the mall or the gym or the bathroom (just kind of depends on the day).

 My mind is just all over the place as you can see. But ya know what, I am forced to welcome the chaos. And as I sift through all the chaos, I am slowly beginning to make sense of it all. I don't want to be foolish enough to believe that it will all be wrapped up nice in a box with a perfect little bow any time soon, but it's only just the beginning.

 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heaves are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it." Isaiah 55:8-11

One step at a time.

How perspective can change with our own personal experiences. In the last 3 months our family has been as close to the depths of hell in our own minds, and yet closer to God than we could have ever imagined.

On January 22, 2012, our daughter Hartley Joy Morris, just wasn't moving. I was 24 weeks pregnant and relieved to have made it to "viability" that day and yet I felt as though the sting of death was near. My active little girl wasn't moving; her kicks had always put her big brother's kicks (when he was in utero) to shame! No orange juice (yep) or coffee (yep again) or pushing and prodding her in my belly caused her to stir. The prayers of fear and grief couldn't save her, and I tried that too. Only God could save her. On the 23rd, a trip to the labor and delivery triage and a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist confirmed our worst fears. And on the 24th, we celebrated Hartley Joy's birthday, mourned her death, loved her so well, and then gave her back. But not without hope. We gave her back, knowing that she is always ours and forever HIS. Forever HIS. And because she is forever HIS and so are we, we have HOPE beyond hell and the grave that we will see her again. Perfect. Whole. And we KNOW that God did save her. He saved her from the sadness and trials of this world. He saved her from hurt. But most importantly He saved her INTO HIS ARMS FOREVER.

So where do we go from here? I have asked myself that, struggled over that, through that and with that thought. Because here's the deal. I'm not. the. same. How could I be? How could you carry a baby, love that baby as your own, begin to dream about life with her and then lose her. Then have to do the unspeakable. Yes, bury her. But before that, go to the funeral home, help fill out her death certificate while the funeral director (bless his heart, really) tries to lighten the mood. Look at caskets that are so tiny that nobody should ever have to look at, let alone BUY and USE. Decide that nobody else really should have to experience that, and in so, choose not to show her casket at the funeral. Decide which pictures to share with the world of our girl that we think is the most beautiful little girl but other people may be bothered by. Then go pick out the best flowers for your baby girl, knowing that these flowers have to fill the void of all those Valentine's flowers daddy won't buy her, the just because weeds, ahem flowers, she will never pick for us, the flowers she will never get for a dance at school, the flower's she will never have at the wedding she will never have. But can I say she had the most beautiful flowers at her funeral!

So, here I am. Trying to navigate new waters. Finding myself at many crossroads. I know I, and we as a family, need to move forward. But we will never "move on". Moving on, to me, means forgetting. I can never forget. This journey defines so much of who I am becoming and who I will be. I fear that when people who knew me before all this talk to me now they don't recognize who I am now and don't know what to do. You see, I fear this for others because I am dealing with that fear myself. I don't recognize a lot of who I am now and I don't know what to do. Part of me wants SO BAD to be who I was before Hartley because there is a lot less fear and unknown and sadness and grief in naivety. And yet I KNOW I need to be where I am now and not for a minute do I desire to take back every moment I had with my sweet Hartley Joy. So though I may cross that fork in the road often right now wondering which way to go, I know without hesitation the path I must take.

One step at a time, often in the dark, I am trusting God to provide for just that next step. That's where I am right now. And I'm at peace with knowing that I have already and may again walk through the valley of the shadow of death (Psalm 23) in this journey. I can't speak for yesterday, a month ago, three months ago, this afternoon, tonight, tomorrow, next month... I'm not sure. But right now, I'm at peace.

"But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore, do not be anxious, saying 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink' or 'What shall we wear?' But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is it's own trouble." -Matthew 6:30-31, 33-34

Busy Bag Swap

For all you mommas on Pinterest, I know you are familiar with the concept of the Busy Bag! If not, a Busy Bag is designed to entertain your little one with a simple activity and can fit into a gallon size ziplock baggie (hopefully!). It could be anything from lacing pool noodles and matching shapes to making puzzles and identifying numbers and colors.

I have been wanting to build my own little collection of Busy Bags for Zachariah as he grows and with a little girl joining our family in May, I know I won't have a lick of time later to organize something like this. I have seen other people organize a swap, so I thought "Why not host my own while I have a semblance of free time?!"

Soo... Here's how it is going to work: each participant will make 20 (hopefully we get that many takers!!) of the same busy bag activity. This should streamline the process of you creating and absolutely save on materials.

I have pre-chosen 20 different activities to make sure there is variety. I tried to pick bags that teach a specific concept or can be used creatively AND that will hopefully be affordable ($3 or less per bag for a total of $60 for 20 bags--quite a steal when you end up with 20 different activities in the end).

**PLEASE KNOW THAT ALL BAGS WILL REQUIRE TIME, BUT NOT NECESSARILY CREATIVE GENIUS!**

Want to join the swap?

1. Email me (kamorris05@gmail.com) by Saturday, January 14th and let me know you would like to sign up. Please let me know if you are comfortable with a little bit of sewing, if you don't mind very light construction (chopping small wooden dowels and sanding them), or if you really just want a simple, straightforward bag.

2. Once I have all the spots filled, I will assign everyone a bag, doing my best to match you with a bag fitting your skills and wishes! I will include a link to directions/templates/examples of a completed activity to help you along.

3. Everyone will have a little over a month to complete their bags. We will get together at the end of February to swap.

4. Out of towners are more than welcome to participate, you will just have to cover the cost of shipping and handling via Priority Mail.

31 Weeks and More Nursery!!

Pregnancy Highlights

How far along: 31 weeks!!!

Size of the baby: A head of lettuce (??--doesn't seem that big, maybe it's an organic one!)

Maternity clothes: Why the heck not?!?... And because he is so low, I can't wear any of the low rise maternity pants I have because they just slide down even lower and my shirts won't cover my belly!

Movement: Lots of it, and he seems to have found my ribs. He's not killing me with the kicks in the ribs because it doesn't happen that often, but I wouldn't put in on the list of my favorite movements of his.

Gender: BOY... Zachariah Hayes Morris!!

Sleep: Haha. The insomnia has set in and despite my exhaustion after work, I have a hard time napping. I am waking up a lot at night, too. Preparation for those sleepless nights have set in I guess!

What I miss: Being able to sleep in any position I please and not having to worry about getting heartburn.

Symptoms: I'm going to be real with you folks... Every morning I wake up with a really dry mouth and feel like I have lots of mucus buildup in my throat. If I don't have a "productive cough", I end up spending 10 minutes gagging over the sink/throwing up until I clear my throat. My husband thinks it's lovely. =)

Best moment this week: All the unexpected time off I have had due to the crazy North Texas weather... I have had lots of time to just relax and enjoy him moving, and lots of time to work on his bedding and room!

Here is an update of his room:

This is a view of his room from the door. You can see his crib and the bedding I have been working on, along with his curtains and one of my faves, the stroller!!

His closet, which I love and envy! When we remodeled the house, we left this closet empty, literally. It was a sheetrock box, so once we cleared the room and closet of junk office stuff was moved, it was off to The Container Store (aka a slice of Heaven this side of eternity) to design and install his closet. Can I just say that it was WORTH IT in every way!!
These are probably going to be used in some way above his bed.

This is going to be the outfit lil man will come home from the hospital in!! The story behind this outfit is this: My dad was in Italy working when we found out we were having a boy. He brought this darling and TINY outfit back for Zachariah. Not only is it special, but I'm not sure it will fit him for long! Let's just hope he doesn't take after his cousin Benjamin... If that's the case, it may never fit him!

28 Weeks + Nursery Sneak Peek!

Pregnancy Highlights

How far along: 28 weeks (Holy cow-3rd trimester!!)

Size of the baby: Head of cauliflower (I think that one is weird...)

Maternity clothes: Yes please! I tried on a non-maternity t-shirt and it didn't even cover to my belly button. Caleb laughed and told me I looked like I could be on the Faces of Walmart website.

Movement: I feel him move some during the day, but he is most active and pronounced at night. He nearly kicked the computer right out of my lap earlier!

Gender: ALL BOY... Zachariah Hayes Morris!

Sleep: Well, this one is hard to judge since I have never been one to sleep straight through the night, but it does get obnoxious waking up because I need to roll over to the other side.

What I miss: Belly and back sleeping, and being able to eat what I want without having to worry about heartburn.

Symptoms: Heartburn, starting to get "the line" (linea nigra-I think)

Best moment this week: Getting to "rock" Zachariah in the new glider... I prayed for him and imagined what it will be like to have him in my arms doing that!

**NURSERY SNEAK PEEK**

These are some of the fabrics in his room... The polka dots and blue minky will be used for a pillow and possibly a blanket. The stripes will be his crib skirt. The bumper (which you will see below) is just a simple ivory minky stripe.

The glider and dresser... I'm wondering why we waited to get pregnant before buying this fabulous piece of furniture known as a glider. It's amazing!!
The bed with the bumper.

Hopefully that whet your apetite... I know it has definitely made me more anxious to get it done! I have the curtains and just need to hem them. Once we move the office furniture out of Zachariah's room, we will do a little rearranging and really start finalizing the room (read: put holes in the wall and get some art hung). Soo exciting!!!

My head is spinning!

My, oh my, oh my! My head is spinning with all the things that need to get done before Mr. Zachariah makes an appearance!! And to top it off, Caleb has officially begun another semester of his MBA which means my access to his assistance has depleted significantly. As he finished the fall semester in December, we began "Project Prepare for Baby" and planned to tackle the major project of painting the baby room, add crown and shoe moulding and finish out his closet. I am proud to say that those things are done. HOWEVER, I am realizing now that those "major" projects are a drop in the bucket when compared to the ever-expanding list of things that will need to be done prior to Zach's big arrival. Oh, and to side track for a sec, if Zachariah continues on his path of growth, it appears as though his big arrival could be up to 2 weeks earlier than we planned.. So, suffice it all to say that while I'm not someone who stresses out about things, I think the zits that have appeared on my face after more than a 12-year hiatus are due to more than just a conflict of hormones!

Unfortunately, I don't have a picture to post tonight... My husband is currently working on some electrical stuff and the hard-drive is not showing up on my network. I guess the power to that is off. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have a belly shot and weekly update! Sweet dreams folks!

Almost 26 Weeks!

Pregnancy Highlights

How far along: Almost 26 weeks!

Size of the baby: A large eggplant (2 lbs)

Maternity clothes: Absolutely on pants, everything else is on a garment-by-garment basis!

Movement: I feel him moving a lot, and most others who touch my belly can feel him too (as long as he is cooperating)

Gender: It's a BOY... Zachariah Hayes Morris!!

Sleep: I toss and turn, but still am getting a good night's sleep.

What I miss: Sleeping without worrying if I'm on the right side or not.

Cravings: If anything, I crave smoothies and shakes. I think it's the fact that it is cold, sweet and smooth!

Symptoms: Still throwing up on occasion, but no nausea (it must be the over-sensitive gag reflex).

Best moment this week: Feeling him move more and more frequently!

Hi. It's me again. I'll try harder this year, ok?

So, I guess you have figured out that I'm back. It's a new year, so I figured I'd start off with a bang! The few fans of my blog in the past I'm sure have fallen off the map (probably because I did, ha!), so we will all start fresh. Deal?

To recap the last year, I started off by training for a triathlon. It was a barrel of fun, and I really enjoyed it. It all came to a halt, though, when we found out we were pregnant at the end of February. That was a big 'ol surprise! I carried our sweet angel for 12 weeks, then God called him home (we thought it was a boy, though we will never know). Suffering through that miscarriage has been by-far the hardest emotional and spiritual journey I have been on. It grew Caleb and I so close together, and for that I am so grateful. This summer was a big season of travel. We trekked to NYC and Boston over the 4th of July, then on to Orlando to Universal Studios late in July. We capped off the summer with a college roommate reunion weekend at my parent's place up in McKinney. Oh, and surprise... We found out we were expecting again! September brought a trip to LA and Disneyland for Grant & Abby's wedding. October was my mom's 55th birthday. November was our 5th Anniversary, my father-in-law's 50th birthday and we found out that we are going to be parents of a baby BOY!! December was crazy with the holidays, and I think that just about covers it.

So it's January 1st, my dad's birthday, and the start of a New Year! Caleb and I started the year by sleeping in until 10 a.m., and didn't peel ourselves out of bed until after 11 a.m. Everyone keeps telling us to enjoy all these "lasts" as we prepare for so many new "firsts", so I'd say we kicked things off well! No pictures today, just enjoy the cute new blog design! Tomorrow I am hoping to start the whole torture myself to please everyone else belly pictures... Until then, goodnight!

Last Chance to Win!!

I REALLY want to win a seat to the Love Affair Workshop!!! Go read details and sign up to join in the fun! http://www.loveaffairworkshop.com/

Cute camera bag and Contest!

Soo, as cute as my "backpack" style photo bag is, this cute bag being given away is a huge step up! Take a looksie!

Check out the LOVE AFFAIR BLOG and enter to win a Kelly Moore Bag & a seat to their upcoming workshop in Dallas!!

www.loveaffairworkshop.com